Honesty When Setting A Precedence

Nikki B asks: “ah ole mi ole fashion so because mi cyan tek man when dem try play game and heng onto the ex pn di side when hime put a new gyal inna di #1 position?”

It’s not always about trying to “get the ex out of his system”, more so than being able to keep the ex around, with permission from the new partner. If that precedence gets set, why should he try to do anything different?

Setting precedence or making an exception is always tricky business in a relationship. Sometimes we make exceptions for people and can manage those situations carefully. Other times we make exceptions for one person, and then those exceptions get rolled over into how we handle relationships, much to our detriment. Love and or lust can cause us to make some very interesting and sometimes costly deals where our pride, reputation and hearts are the ones forced to cash the checks that our eyes, lips and loins have written.

Now I’m not rushing to judgment here. Still, I’ve seen people leave on partner for the next one under the most horrendous of circumstances – flat out public cheating – and things worked out for everyone involved. But more often than not, those endings are in more strife because the wanderer’s eye, well, keeps wondering. There is an old saying I was reminded of recently:

“A woman may marry a man hoping he changes but he doesn’t; while a man may marry a woman hoping she never changes but she does.”

Now combine two different viewpoints like that in a situation where passion and lust collide, people will say and do things to get what they want. Such a tug of war often leads to broken hearts and sometimes children caught in the middle. There are instances where the thought or feeling takes over that what we have can cure the wandering eye or once they get the other person out of their system they can now focus on us. Sadly that isn’t often the case – some may choose to find a way to have their cake and eat it too.

So where does the real honesty come in anyways? A dear friend of mine shared this nugget recently:

“We often clamor for honesty when in fact, we really don’t want it. Because if we did truly want it, we would be more comfortable in looking at the situation we are in more carefully.”

 I hit the deck when hearing this in surprise; because she was speaking more to the double standard some women use when talk about relationships. Sometimes we may jump into a situation and not wanting to own all of what comes with it – we just want the affection, sex, financial support without the price of the baby mamma drama, prison time, lack of employment, being on call only to scratch the itch. When one meets a partner who lays out things clearly for us to see and it is terms we don’t like, we may cringe at the thought of signing up because we have to be accountable for what we signed up for. Yet sometimes we end up doing a few waiver and sign up for some worse stuff by not taking a moment to really read the fine print in the situation.

So if you know your partner has someone they left to date you, but yet they are still hung up on that person, how does that help your relationship start on a solid foot? If they cheated on their ex with you, who is to say that they won’t cheat on you with someone new? And if the partner came and say all he wanted from you was an on call booty call, how can you really dog them for not changing their ways to offer you more of what you want – a relationship?

Nobody wants to be holding the baggage set by making a precedence we cannot manage. Sometimes if you smell a rat, it may just be that. If you’re comfortable with that, then go for it. But if not, maybe taking a moment to reconsider can save you the heartache of a precedence you cannot take back later. After all, the The Drifters can tell you first hand that it is no fun counting the tears.

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