Learning how to build a life with someone is a life long process. Ok – so that was really redundant. Still, it is worth saying because I often hear the old lament by some women: “where are the good men? There aren’t any to be found, they’re either gay or married”. I often laugh my ass off every time I hear that comment as I wonder: “where are all the good women too? Do some of these women looking for a good man even KNOW WHAT he looks like?”
As people have heard me say on thing blog before, the dating relationship dynamics have changed dramatically over the last few years. Because of how things are going, both men and women are seeking for more ready-made partners in order to secure a better chance at the life of their dreams. Often times, this will come in the form of an older partner (more often than not male). Some thoughts behind taking such an approach is that since the person is older, they are more likely to be mature and have things in place needed to build a life successfully. The youth on the part of the younger partner (more often than not female), is that zest for life, better looking, and possibly better child-bearing prospects.
If it’s the younger male/older female dynamic, it’s more often that not the exuberance and the ability to attract the older woman on the part of the younger male, and the security in self and the ability to still be alluring that may be in play on the part of the older female.
The problem with using such an approach is that since people want a ready-made person, we have lost the skills to what we have told is the ability to “work with someone” or “invest in them” in the right way. Part of such an investment would mean working on a person’s individual flaws too, which it would seem that many of us are developing a high level of abhorrence to.
So what are the “good men” looking for these days? Well, every guy’s short list is unique, but it comes back to that term that summarizes things: is a woman who can “work with them”. I think that this is one of the few things that sometimes women can have a hard time in understanding as they deal with the male creature.
It often cracks me up to hear some women talk about not being able to find “a good man”. The truth of the matter is that there are many good men out there who are single, hard-working, devoted, very responsible, ambitious and available. The reason why they’re invisible to those “good men seeking women” is that they do have some flaws that may not immediately make them “the ideal man”. The real crux of the matter is that for some women, what they call a “good man” is the “ideal man”. So the question is: what really are your priorities?
I’ve seen relationships ruined because the woman was too “nitpicky”, wanting it all to be perfect when she herself was far from it. For example, maybe he is merely OK or so-so in the sack, when what she’s looking for is Don Juan or Joe Grind every night. Maybe he is good at making money, but not so good at managing it. Maybe he doesn’t express his affections as well as he should, even though you can tell he is a caring person.
So…if he is PERFECT for you, but you are FLAWED for him because you are too busy enjoying how perfect for you he is, how long do you really think that such a relationship will last? Now everyone wants to be romanced throughout their relationship, but there comes a time when those initial new relationship feel hormones wear off and it boils down to what the love is made of. All relationships are work, and I think that is the one thing that some women either forget about, or are unwilling to do because of their own reasons. Yes, even the romance has to be worked on too and if one person feels that it’s the other person’s responsibility to do ALL or MOST of the work, then that’s a relationship that won’t end well right there.
Here are some traits a good man may be looking for in a partner:
Someone who can keep it real. Yes, this doesn’t mean always critiquing or piling on him; the whole “telling a guy what he is not doing seemingly all the time” kinda spiel doesn’t work. There is a good chance that the guy’s mother is very proficient at doing that and hearing more of that from his partner certainly doesn’t help matters. What is really needed is to know when to be brutally honest to get him out of a rut, and know when to tap him on the shoulder and encourage him in a positive way. Honestly, talking at a guy by piling on is the QUICKEST way to get in the doghouse of many men. Not everybody is perfect and men learn through trial and error in a different way than women do. Anytime a man finds a woman who can understand this one very clearly, he usually tries to keep her in his life in some way shape or form.
Someone who is understands the difference between help, use, and abuse. Let’s face it, a lot of times a woman will get her way in the relationship. That’s almost a given. The truth though is that some women are in it to get as much as they can out of the guy by having their way ALL the time. While women are notorious for their responses once they find out that they’re getting used, men aren’t that far behind in how callous they can react to such treatment. When a man feels like he can’t get no peace in his life – whether there is no peace at work or at home – he will often go find somewhere that he can get at least minimum temporary relief.
Someone who has goals. This can be a tricky one, but it is a great trait to have. Many men want an active partner…someone who can help them do some of the lifting as they build a life as oppose to being another thing the guy has to lift and deal with. What makes this tricky is that there are times both sexes can cross the line from helping each other achieve their goals to using their partner to merely get ahead in life. That’s one of those things that is often managed and worked on throughout a healthy relationship…each works to push and positively support each other. Still a motivated woman and or a woman who knows how to get things done are always attractive to many men.
Someone who is dependable. I love this one as here dependability means that he can trust your perspective when he is talking to you about stuff. There are some women who have always made the perfect confidant because they know how to listen. Many men value that trait so highly you wouldn’t believe. Listening doesn’t mean you are telling them what to do all the time and how to do things. Actively listening actually means that you can sift through what they guy is saying and provide meaningful insight. It is a very endearing quality that if men find it in a woman, there is a good chance she will be in his life for a long time.
So ladies, the question is: how good are you in any of these areas? There are a fair amount of men out there who do know what their strengths and flaws are and are actively looking for someone who can balance them out as they try to build a life. Some level of introspection is necessary on both parties. A woman can know all there is to know about men, but if she doesn’t have what he’s looking for, her prospects can be grim, and vice versa. At the end of the day, when building a life some men want to know that the one they partner up with is both in it for the long haul and is willing to put in the work to make the relationship worthwhile.