So I’m re reading an old article about Tiger’s new “girlfriend” on Friday in light of his announcement to play in the upcoming PGA tournament and of course the comment section of any NY Daily News article is where all the real highlights are (http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2011/03/22/2011-03-22_tiger_woods_girlfriend_golfer_dating_alyse_lahti_johnston_his_22yearold_neighbor.html). Some of the comments there are just too outlandish and useless at times. But in sloshing through the slop, one can always find a nugget – the source of today’s post. Below are parts of what someone posted:
R: “Black women do have higher demands, but sometimes those demands are materialistic. Sometimes those demands can be like reading a manual for your device but it’s in french, too difficult and time wasting. I always remember black women saying “you date white women because they are easy”, well yes, easy to get to know, understand, talk to, just plain non difficult. I always wanted to know why would any woman want to be difficult. Life is too short to understand the complex mind of women, so I would just rather choose a woman who is not some demanding. A child is demanding, it seems like black women never left that stage in their lives, I see it everyday. I always said “I rather be a father than a husband because many grown women today still act like children”.
Now, after having a WTF moment and nearly spewing the water out my mouth at my screen, it had me thinking seriously that evening. What’s really at work here? Is it stereotyping? Is being ethnocentric? Is it looking for someone safe and comfortable? Or is it simply Tiger liking the vanilla waifs more than the dark meat?
It’s funny how our own experiences shape our perceptions of what we want in a partner. The beauty of life is that there is really someone out there for everyone. But the trick is finding that person. So how do you find what you want if you don’t know what you’re looking for and why in the first place?
I like Tiger. As a golfer, he was kicking ass and talking no prisoners. I liked his will to win and ultra competitive spirit. I hadn’t seen a guy bring personality to a sport in the manner in which Tiger did on the course. He just looked like a guy who loved a challenge and thrived on the art of rising to the occasion. He also looked like a guy was a bit of an adrenaline junkie too. With the cash pouring in, he was able to use some of his coin to pursue the women that he did.
So why was he after those women anyhow? Maybe being an adrenaline junkie it was about finding the best at their craft or the ones that can match his energy. Especially with the cash he was able to supply, I’m sure he could easily ask for the best available, and if one wasn’t giving him the rush, then 2-3 at a time might do the trick. Maybe he started to confuse what he needed (the security of home life) with the high of getting whatever desires satisfied that his opulence allowed. He probably was never gonna marry or be anything more with those women than what he was doing. Maybe one of those women on the side realized they were going to be only a bucket and spazzed out, leading to Elin grabbing iron and the rest we have become all too familiar with.
For me, it’s not about the nuts and bolts of Tiger’s situation, which I always thought that was him and Elin to figure out anyhow. However, the deeper questions invoked by the comment above are: how can we tell if we are being demanding? How can we determine who is still stuck in a “children state”?
Freud might say that we’ve got IDs running amok in our current society. Having access to excess wealth and being force fed the idea of using wealth excessively to fulfill all imagined desires when it is obtained can be quite compelling case. One solid way to keep the rampant ID in check is to not only know what one wants, but be able to attain those things in a realistic manner. People’s lives are so fast paced that it is a matter of them not making the time to figure out and then be what they want. Happiness often starts within the person and its pursuit, while difficult, can be extremely rewarding.
Because we are so used to going at the speed of light, being unaware of the issues just below the surface may cause us to invest time and effort in chasing priorities that are completely out of sorts. Maybe we think we need a partner to look and act a certain way that doesn’t rock our boat. Maybe we want certain people in our lives to help pull us out of a malaise but they must come fully equipped to rescue us without little help on our end. Perhaps that person is our way of fitting into a space where we want to belong in because we have no space for our own.
I cannot say what ethnic group is “easy to talk to” or “child like” when searching for a partner. Having dated from different backgrounds it really boils down to the personality type. Yes, ethnicity cannot be ignored, but that is ultimately only one level or dimension to a person. If one knows what their wants and needs are, and are going after things that way, then no one has the right to dictate to that individual. But if it’s merely going about things to fill a void in the manner of “eating to feel full”, then perhaps one is being worse than child like – operating with a “childish indulgence” instead.