Looking For Love: Where Are The Good Ones Anyway?

Here’s the first from the “Looking For Love” Series:

Sis. Smith asks: “why is a good man so hard to find? I keep running into these ‘incomplete’ guys, you know the ones that are good with only one thing – in the bed only, or have money only, or are nice guys only.”

If the car you want to buy is a Nissan, you won’t find one if you keep browsing at a Ford dealership.

The truth is no partner is perfect, because we all are imperfect creatures. That’s what makes being human so special and unique. Each of us is growing, learning and hopefully doing our best to build the lives that we want for ourselves and to eventually share with someone else.

One big issue in any relationship is knowing what you want when going in. I’ve always had the biggest respect for people who know what they want and are able to get it. Many of those folks are genuinely in touch with themselves and are capable of being what they want as well – another key piece.

It always kills me to hear some women say” I want a Denzel/Brad Pitt type to sweep me my feet”. It’s great to aim high – Mamma used to say: ” bwoy shoot fi di moon and yuh will land pon di stars if yuh nuh mek it”. Here’s the reality check though: if your claim to fame is a wonderful personality to offset your bad credit + movie star like spending habits, gold digging friends, nasty relatives, dead-end job, and unfinished degree you may be asking Denzel to overlook an awful lot. How about a guy say “gimme a Jennifer Hudson/Kim Kardashian” type and I would know what to do with that? But if all you can do is “show her a good time” to offset the being not employed, not having your own place and having her to pay for you both while on the “good time”, then you’re asking for a lot too. We can be in transition and working to upgrade ourselves and change some of those seemingly negatives into positives that I just mentioned. But the cold truth is that there is a point when “being in transition” becomes “a way of life”. Some stuff can be hard to overlook, no matter how much of a nice person with good intentions you are.

Now I’m not sipping on some haterade here, but it takes a real person who is looking for a true partner to be able to be realistic with their own expectations. Sometimes that list we walk around with our heads about the “ideal mate” is filled with too much of our own shortcomings that we want the partner to cover up. So how fair is that to the other person? The elders I have talked to who have been in successful long-term relationships stated that it’s a real give and take. Your partner is not there to solely fulfill all your wants and needs, because that’s not what a real relationship is all about.

Knowing what you want makes your search realistic. Be able to outline your goals and dreams and make fair attempts to check in and reflect on them. It doesn’t mean you “settle” for what you can get, but it simply means it makes you search smartly. If you keep coming up empty, it may mean you’re fishing in the wrong spot, with the wrong bait or with poor technique. It is hard to take a step back and look at oneself to make changes. Still, those who are able to do are the ones who end up both happier lives and successful relationships.

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